fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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