Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
