It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
