after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
