thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
