final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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