I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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