plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
