its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
