I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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