Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
