The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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