life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
