i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
