he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's not a walk of shame if you run
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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