And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
