So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
