i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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