a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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