I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
