he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You were trust falling into bushes
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
