My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
