i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
