Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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