i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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