It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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