you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
