If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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