my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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