When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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