1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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