I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
