i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
