Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
