My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
