Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
