Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
