if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
