I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
