This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
