You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
