Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
