i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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