4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
