Umm I'm too high to move.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
