im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
