The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
