First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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