he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I don't deserve a penis
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
