I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my shit smells like andre
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
